Moved

Well, Jim and I have moved into our new house. If you didn't get the address in e-mail today and you want it, just let us know via e-mail, Facebook or on a comment and I'll get it to you (if we know you; if we don't know you personally, you might not get it). Pictures here of the new house: picasaweb.google.com/JTDAngelo/House?feat=directlink. I have to give props to our realtor, my mom, not just because she will say something if I don't, but because she was awesome. She definitely went above and beyond for us, and even though I'm her kid, I know that she puts just as much effort into each of her clients' house hunting. So if you're moving in the Oklahoma City metro area, let me know and I'll give you her name/contact info.

Our household goods will be here on Friday, which is great. Except that our unaccompanied baggage hasn't gotten here yet, so we're not sure if they switched the names or the shipments or if our stuff is on the bottom of the Pacific, or if that one is here, too. I guess we'll see, huh?

It's so bittersweet to be here, to be homeowners, to have only a curio cabinet of stuff for our little girl (her urn, her pictures, pictures from my pregnancy, etc.) instead of her and her whole house of stuff. But I have never thought of any of the bedrooms as supposed to be hers, which I think is good. I saw a psychologist on base last week because I want to get some help getting my thoughts in order (and I'm not ashamed to admit it). I thought that moving away from Japan and where everything happened would be healing, but it has proved to be more stressful than I imagined, and I'm not healing quite the way I thought I would. I was referred to a couple of other counselors with whom I will try to make appointments in the coming week or so. Jim and I will also be visiting churches in the coming weeks to try to find a congregation in which we can become involved. This is something that has been recommended to us by psychologists, chaplains, family, friends, and others, and we feel like it will help to find a place to worship with people who believe the same things as us and by whom we can be embraced from the outside. Our family has been amazing, though, and we're so glad to have the support nearby.

Jim took his "house hunting" leave and then after working for about a week took some more leave. We're trying to get settled into the house and be together and heal together in our new home. I have been applying for jobs and looking around, but have only had one interview so far. I haven't heard back, and it was more than a week ago, so I kind of think I didn't get it. We'll see if anything else pans out. I don't have to work, per se, but I feel like it would be nice to get out of the house, at least for part of each week, and to feel like I'm contributing to our household income (or savings, whatever).

Anyway, as always I continue to be so very thankful for all of your thoughts, prayers, positivity, laughs, love, hugs (both real and virtual) and everything else we've been given. We are so blessed and have so much for which to be thankful, even through the darkest times.

Bad Dreams

Last night I had a really terrible dream that left me feeling listless and really emotional when I woke up. As a result, I had a horrible day, emotionally, and just broke down out of nowhere several times - all of them in public, of course.

In my dream I was pregnant again and things were really scary because it isn't really very safe for me to get pregnant again yet (because I had a c-section and because I need to let my body recuperate). In the dream I was bleeding a lot and I was really scared about the baby's health, and my health and there were a lot of concerns.

In some ways I want to be pregnant again as soon as it's safe, because I'm a mom without a child, and that's really a difficult situation in which to exist. In other ways I'm not sure that I'm ready emotionally or that I will be for a very long time. It's a very difficult and frustratingly emotional situation. I know that I don't have to make up my mind right away. At the very least I have until May to decide (because at 6 months post-op the risks, while still considerable, are not as high).

I'm just so thankful for Jim for being there in the morning when I woke up upset and needed to be held, and for holding my hand when I cried and giving me hugs to make me feel safe and protected and like I can get through this situation. I hope I have good dreams tonight.