Password Protected

If you want a password to a protected post or page, just e-mail me. Don't get upset, though, if I don't know you or have never heard of you and choose not to share it. :) Some things are very personal and private, and some things are best left to family and friends, and some things I don't mind sharing.

There is a new page up top entitled Labor and Delivery. This is password protected. If you'd like to read the story, whether I know you in real life or not, just leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail and I'll let you know the password or I'll let you know if I'd rather you not read it.

Happy Thoughts

Taking a card from Jennie over at She Likes Purple, I am going to list some things that make me happy. Yesterday was a really hard day for me. Church yesterday morning was great, but made my heart ache, and then I found out that a friend from high school is expecting. While I'm happy for her and her husband, I can't help but feel jealous, frustrated and annoyed - guiltily so. Of course, it's not directed at her, but at the situation entirely. I sort of hate that we're at the point in our lives where everyone we know is having babies, because that makes our hurt that much stronger to see everyone's healthy babies. I wouldn't want it any other way, of course; I would NEVER wish upon anyone what we've gone through. But it just hurts somewhere deep inside. I spent most of the evening in tears. I've got so many fears and worries and frustrations right now. So thanks to Jennie for your inspiration on gaining perspective.

1. My amazing husband, who helps me up when I fall and holds me when I cry and allays my fears and frustrations with calm reason.

2. Having my family nearby. Although being close to them can, at times, be dizzying (since I've lived away for almost 10 years), it's nice to be able to call on my sister, talk to my dad or ask my mom for a hug.

3. Our beautiful home. I'm so thankful for a roof over our heads, but we are so blessed to have such a beautiful roof (and walls and floors...). Our house is the perfect size and it fit our needs for a home, and it's big enough to grow into while not being too big for us now. I'm so thankful we found this house.

4. Education. This is strange, I know, but I love to learn and I'm so thankful for the opportunities to continue my learning. I have so many things that I want to learn and at least 2 more degrees I want to get and I love being close to a good college where I can pursue my dreams, and am more than grateful to have a husband who supports my goals.

5. My pets. I love love love my cat and dog. They fight like siblings, chase each other around, and sometimes they are infuriating. But our cat curls up on my pillow or by my side to sleep, and our dog is always there to offer a hug or to cuddle or to go for a mind-calming walk. They are like therapy.

6. Books. I love to read, and I carry around my Kindle because reading makes me happy, helps calm my mind, and separates me from the world when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting for takeout at a restaurant, or need to distract my mind before I sleep. I thought I would hate having digital books because I love books so much, but I love that I'm never out of something to read, and that I can buy books anytime wirelessly (don't get me wrong, I'm also a frequenter of the library because buying books, even discounted digital books is expensive), and that I can always find something that interests me. Currently reading: Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've also joined an online book club, and I've read two amazing books so far (one that I'd already read but read again just because it's awesome), and can hardly wait to start April's book, even though March isn't even over. If you want to join, too, visit the Book Lushes site. (And go back and read January/February's and March's books, because they're GREAT.)

Okay, goal accomplished. I'm smiling just thinking about all of these things.

I encourage you to stop and think happy thoughts when you're down in the dumps. Although life will always give you lemons, sometimes rotten ones from which you can't possibly make lemonade, life isn't all rotten lemons, and sometimes you just need a little perspective to remember the good things.

PayPal

NO OBLIGATION! I repeat... NO OBLIGATION!

I have set up a page on our blog entited Geekling Adoption. Even though we're in the SUPER beginning stages of planning out the timeline for our adoption (not even planning the adoption yet), I have set up a PayPal link through which we will accept donations toward bringing home our geekling. IF you feel the urge, feel free to donate. If not, don't. We will accept any donations people feel like giving. If you wish to donate but don't have a PayPal account and don't want to set one up, leave a comment or e-mail us. We'll send you our mailing address. We're going to set up a special savings account and all of our donations will go toward our future adoption. PLEASE REMEMBER: We are planning to start the adoption process in about 1 1/2 to 2 years, so if you donate now, remember we may not meet our child for 3 years or even longer, depending on which route we choose.

And again: PLEASE DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO DONATE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG!

Thank you all.

Love and hugs,

Tara

Sakana's home!

Last night Jim heard a meowing at the back door and opened it to find Sakana on the back porch. Rubeus (and we) were SO glad to see her. After fruitless hours of wandering around the neighborhood fearing that she had been eaten by coyotes or snakes in the field at the end of our street, I was so happy to see her home and healthy. She was cold, hungry and thirsty, but otherwise fine. No scratches, bite marks, bruises or anything else. We're so thankful for everyone thinking happy thoughts that brought her home. She ran outside this morning when I let the dog out and I nearly had a heart attack, but Rubeus chased her under the grill and I managed to grab her and put her back inside. Crazy cat!

Sakana-chan

As many of you may know, I am not a typical cat person. I always thought of myself as a dog person. But when we lived in Altus I told Jim I wanted a dog that wouldn't lick me, wouldn't bark, and would sit with me without being a pain. He told me that was a cat, not a dog. We had a cat named Rocco that we gave away when we thought we were moving to Guam because it would have been much more than we could afford to take him with us. We then got a cat named Henry when we were going to Japan, but we left him with a friend of family in California because he had a really hard time on the flights from Oklahoma to California and we didn't think he would make the long flight to Japan.

About 7 months after we moved I convinced Jim to get another cat. We adopted Sakana from a family on base and she was awesome. She was the perfect addition to our family at the time. Other than a short stint at a friend's house when we thought we might get caught with her (we weren't technically allowed to have her in our apartment there), she has lived with us and been great. She was fine on the flights back from Japan, she adjusted at Dad's house with his dogs when we were staying there for a month, and she adjusted to life with Rubeus just fine when we got to our new house.

Sometime in the last 24 hours she disappeared. We think she may have gotten into the garage without us knowing, and then left when Jim went to work this morning (of course, he didn't know if she ran out when he pulled out of the garage). Rubeus and I walked for about 45 minutes this morning around the immediate area around our house looking for her, but no luck. I had just put a new tag on her collar last night with her name and my cell phone number. I keep willing my phone to ring, but no luck yet. I keep trying not to think of what could have happened to her in the field at the end of our street. The field has a creek and a lot of tall grass and trees, and I don't know if our little kitty would be okay if she went back there. Who knows what lives there, and she doesn't have any front claws! I keep hoping that she's hiding in the bed of someone's truck or in a yard and someone will find her and call us. And I hope her collar didn't come off somehow.

I know some people don't understand the love people have for their pets, but ours have become a sort of constant for us during our tough times. Rubeus and Jim wrestle and it makes us smile. And Sakana bugs us and growls at the dog and cuddles up with us on the couch and in the bed, and it makes us smile. Our pets are good therapy, and we appreciate having them around, especially right now. Even if I haven't been a typical cat person, and even though I don't really care for any other cats, Sakana is a part of our family and has been for more than 2 years. I sure hope she turns up.

Peace

Jim and I attained some level of peace within the last week concerning our future as parents. After many tears, much deliberation and a LOT of talking and praying, we've decided that we will not be trying to have another baby naturally. We are going to wait a couple of years, work, save up some money toward our future and for emergencies, and then try to adopt. Although we know it's not statistically probable that we will lose another child, the fear, anxiety and stress that accompany thinking about conceiving again is too much for us to fathom. Jim doesn't want to see me go through the pain of surgery and recovery again, and is also scared about the possibility of losing another child. We know that we might change our minds in the future, but for now we have made peace with our decision.

We had thought about adoption before we got pregnant, but decided to try to have children biologically first. Then, during my super rough pregnancy, we had determined that we would have just the one child biologically and then if we wanted more kids we would explore adoption. After Angel died we thought we would try again biologically, because the pain of losing her was much greater than the pain and frustration and sickness of pregnancy and childbirth. It still is, but it is also a gamble, and neither of us feel comfortable with the timeline required to try again to deliver before Jim gets out of the military, and not knowing if we would be ready emotionally or if I would be ready physically was also a source of concern. If we were to lose another child, through miscarriage or another stillbirth, we are just not sure we could take it emotionally. Our marriage is so strong now, and we are so wholeheartedly devoted to one another. We want to do right by each other, as well as be great parents to our children. I don't feel like, as a mother, it is responsible for me to get pregnant again if I'm not sure I'm ready; I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Also, I am glad, in a way, that the good memories I have from being pregnant - how it felt when my child kicked and moved, Jim's hands on my belly, all of that - I get to associate with Angel and only Angel.

We have not yet determined if we will adopt internationally or domestically. We have done a lot of research on the matter and are still exploring all of our options. We will continue to do research, be in touch with families that have adopted in one manner or the other, do extensive research on agencies and country programs, and think everything through as completely as is possible. Also, since the financial committment to adoption is so great, we want to be as prepared as possible. Jim will need to get back to being a civilian again and have a career and job steady enough for his self-assurance of our financial situation, and we have targets for our emergency fund and for our adoption fund before we even start the process. We are excited about the prospect of becoming parents again, but understand, also, that we need to give ourselves the necessary time to grieve the loss of our daughter and heal so we can be the best possible parents to our future children.

In the mean time, we won't just be sitting around or lamenting our quiet house. Jim will fulfill his military committment and further his higher education, plus work on figuring out if he will be able to work from home as a professional geek or get a government job as a civilian. I have big plans for my future education, and I'd love to start law school within the next year, in addition to getting back to work as soon as possible (possibly starting something more like a career than a job), and helping with the building of our savings accounts (and paying down my growing student loans).

We covet your prayers and positive thoughts as we settle in to life as a quiet couple in Oklahoma and make plans for the further extension of our family. We do not equate adoption in any way as a backup plan or as second best to having biological children; we ask that, should you disagree with our decision or judge us for it, you withhold any negativity, both to us directly or on the blog.

Storage

Hi, Friends,

Well, today we hurdled over what I hope is the last painful process in our home concerning the loss of Angel. We moved everything that we had bought for her into the closet in the back bedroom. What wouldn't fit will go against the wall you can't see from the hallway, so we won't have to look at it but we don't have to have a closed up room in our new house.

I have been trying really hard not to think of everything that we bought for her as hers, since she used very little of it (only a sleeper and hat), I'm hoping that if we have another little girl someday and pull back out all of that stuff that I can continue on that train of thought, and not be sad or hesitate to let our next daughter use everything because it was originally meant for Angel. Jim said that even if it's hard to wrap my head around that concept, that it can be like our next little girl is getting Angel's hand-me-downs. That helps my thought process because she probably would have gotten all of the hand-me-downs anyway.

Still no luck on the job hunt. I've been trying so hard to stay positive. It's just that for the first time in a long time Jim and I are on a tight budget, and me working will really help with that. So prayers/happy thoughts are appreciated ont hat front.

We visited a local church this morning, one that one of my oldest friends (not oldest in age, oldest by how long I've known her - since first grade) in and her husband attend. I liked the sermon, and I agree with the church's outlook and doctrine, which is difficult for me to find these days. I don't know if we'll keep visiting churches or stick with that one. We'll see mid-week how we're feeling upon reflection.

Our biggest shipment of stuff arrived on Friday; this one wasn't due until the end of March, and the one that was supposed to arrive about this time is as yet unlocated. Jim will call tomorrow and hopefully they'll be able to give us an ETA. The "faster" (now slower) shipment has Jim's computer, our vacuum, pots and pans, kitchen knives, some of my clothes that I wanted early in case I got a job, stuff like that. Jim's anxious to get his computer, since we're sharing my laptop, but other than that we can live without stuff. The best thing about the "slower" (now faster) shipment getting here was that our bed arrived a month earlier than we expected. Awesome! I love our bed. We thought that our sheets were in the "fast" shipment, but we found them in a box marked baby stuff when we were packing everything into the closet today. So we have an extra set of sheets that we bought for in the mean time, which I suppose is a good idea anyway. I got most of the kitchen accomplished, but our bedroom, living room and guest room are still in disarray. Jim's dad is supposed to come visit next weekend, so I will be working non-stop this week to make the guest room presentable and make room for the air mattress so he has a place to sleep (besides our brand-new leather couch which, while comfy, would not be the best to sleep on).

I've been trying to walk with our sweet puppy twice a day. He needs the exercise because he has so much energy, and I need the exercise because I'm still trying to lose my baby weight (or, correct my baby weight redistribution, as the case seems to be). I am supposed to run the half marathon at the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon in April, but I am just not sure that I'm going to be ready. I can't get my money back, and there's not a shorter race to switch to, so I am just going to have to attempt it. We'll see how I do. I've been running a little bit with Rubeus, but not as far as I should be. I feel like I'm starting over as a runner, which is super disheartening. In addition to walking a lot and attempting to run, Jim and I are starting Meatless March tomorrow, thanks to inspiration from She Likes Purple. I'm really excited to start it, and hope it will jumpstart some weightloss and an affinity for super fresh foods. (Although the process would be a lot easier with my pots and pans and knives!)

On the running track (no pun intended), a big fat CONGRATULATIONS to my Runner friends in Tokyo who did the marathon or 10K yesterday! You guys are awesome. I wish I could have been there to cheer you on and give you big hugs at the finish line hotel. You'll have to settle for virtual hugs, which I'm sending your way in multitudes!

Well, I guess that's about all I have to report. Off to have dinner with Jim and watch the Amazing Race!