So...

So... It's been awhile since I've updated my blog. I just haven't felt very bloggy lately. It was a big week for me, which in most cases would mean I would blog a lot, but no. Sorry!

This week had its good and bad points.

Bad first: Monday was the 15th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing of the Murrah Federal Building. I was in 7th grade when the bombing happened, and it was about 25 miles away from where I lived. My dad's office is only 8 blocks away from the site of the bombing. At the time, I knew my mom and baby sister (she's 20 now) were going to be in the city, but not anywhere near downtown, and I figured my dad was at work. My dad called my mom to let her know he was okay so she could notify our schools. She did so, and they got the message wrong. So I was called into the office at school and told that my mom and sister were fine. They didn't tell me anything about my dad. I waited until that evening to find out that he was okay. Not cool middle school that will remain unnamed! (My sister's school got the message right, so she was okay.) The school notified all of the kids whose parents had called in before having teachers announce what happened in classes. Devastating doesn't begin to cover it. April 19th is a hard day in the life of every Oklahoman. For us, it's similar to 9/11 or the assassination of JFK in that we all know exactly where we were, how old we were, what we were doing, etc., when we found out about it. For  us, it was our first clue to the fact that living in Oklahoma, in the Bible Belt, in the southern part of the country (or at least the part of the Midwest that functions more like the South) didn't mean you were safe. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Tuesday was equally sad, in that it was the 11th anniversary of the shooting at Columbine High School outside of Denver. At the time, I had no real connection to the city of Denver or its people. Now I do. I still don't know anyone who died that day or was injured that day, and I don't think I know anyone who personally knew anyone who was. But the events that day in Littleton shocked the country, including our city. My hometown is similar to Littleton in that it's a suburb of a capital city, it's mostly middle-class, white families, and the school was similar in size. The same cliques as are present at all high schools were in our school as well. The same access to weapons as the kids at Columbine had is present in my hometown. The next day there were at least a dozen cop cars at our high school. Normally there were two. We started having drills for intruders in addition to fire and tornado drills. Everyone was aware, once again, that violence wouldn't necessarily skip us. So sad.

On to the good! Monday was my first day of work. I really think I'm going to enjoy my job. I just had orientation on Monday, and it was not a full day, and I didn't do any of my actual job (I wasn't even at my job center). Tuesday I reported to my job center and started figuring things out. I feel like I'm catching on! I won't give away too much information, because we like our privacy (and I don't really feel like it's any of your business), but I'm working for a local company in an industry in which I've worked before, but in a different position than anything like I've had before. It's entry-level, but since it's all new to me I don't mind at all starting at the bottom. Plus, my company is really big on promoting from within, so I'm confident that I have room to grow. I'm really excited about my job. I like my co-workers, and they don't seem to be put off by my eccentricities (at least not yet). The only hard part is that my job center seems to be inundated by people with small children. It's really hard, sometimes, to take. I have only talked to two people about our situation, and they have both been very understanding and great. I'm not ready to tell everyone what happened, but sometimes it's hard for me to hear about other people's children (not the children of my friends and other loved ones, but people I don't know that well - hard to explain). Something I'm working through.

Thursday Jim was home all morning to take care of house stuff, and our builder came by to fix some stuff covered by our warranty, and a guy from Lowe's came to install our storm door. I LOVE our storm door! My intention was for our pets to be able to sit and watch the neighborhood at the door, because they do that at the window. They don't really do that (sometimes Sakana does), but we have our front door open all the time now, and I love the light coming in. We hardly ever turn lights on at our house anyway, so it just adds to our love of natural light. Thursday evening after work I put together our new bookshelf so we could finally unpack our books (!).

Today Jim and I worked on the house all morning, and got our GIANT mirror put up above the fireplace, which looks great. And I got all of the books unpacked. Um. We read a LOT and have a LOT of books. We are going to have to buy a small bookshelf to put in the office because the big one isn't big enough. Still looks great, though. Our office is almost completely put together! I still have to put our files away (into our broken filing cabinet), but they are nicely tucked away in a closet for the time being. We went to buy a bed for our guest room, because my father-in-law is staying the night with us tonight. So that room is almost pulled together. It feels so good to have our house almost completely done! (Details on our house-warming party to come, for all of you that know us personally; it will be in mid-late May, I think.)

Anyway, that's about all that's going on for now. Even though I can ramble on forever, there isn't really a lot going on. I have books to add to the book page, so look for those in the coming days.

Thanks, as always, for continuing your prayers and thoughts for us. We really appreciate it. Me getting a job is just one more daily reminder that the job I had planned for didn't pan out, and that our lives are in a completely different place now than we had intended them to be (not just geographically, but emotionally, too). Realizing that if we become parents again in the next few years I'll probably have to be a working mom is hard for me to handle and think about. Understanding why Angel was taken away from us and why things are the way they are is really difficult for me to endure each day. I'm daily so sad to be without her and so happy to be with Jim and making our home and life together, that my thoughts get all jumbled. All of that to say thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They are coveted, wanted and oh-so-appreciated.

Outrage

This story just outrages me. As a person who hopes to someday adopt a child, the world of international adoption is scary. But thanks to the Internet and some close friends of my sister's and some friends of my own, I have read and heard wonderful stories of the wonderful parts of adoption. I have seen happy families who have grown through international adoption. Therefore when I hear about situations like this I am outraged and angered and so very frustrated. From the outside looking in I can see so many options to which this family could have turned. I thought perhaps this family was not so well-informed. Perhaps from the outside I could not see clearly. So I turned to the Internet for some answers from the frontlines. One of the best responses I've read is here. This mother speaks from experience as an adoptive mom of a child who came home a bit older than many, and as someone in the legal field (although she's very careful about expressing her legal opinion, noting that she does not practice in the state in which the situation originated). Jessica, an adoptive mom of a beautiful boy who was brought home as an infant, who is a frequent voice on the Internet of JCICS and other federal decisions on adoption, posted from the JCICS website a response/call to action on the situation.

Bookworm

As many of you know, I am quite a bookworm. I could read all day every day. Not for a job, though. Probably not. That might ruin my love for reading. (Although I was offered a job as a copy editor at a publishing company and almost took it, if it hadn't been for the low-ish hourly wage, the 45-minute each way commute and the only 27 hours per week I would get paid.) Anyway, I love to read. I go through books rather quickly. Jim thinks I read really fast. For me, it's just reading. I love it. When I find a book that pulls me in I would read it instead of sleeping or eating or cleaning house, or whatever. Sometimes, if a show is on tv that I really want to watch but I'm in the middle of a good book I will mute the commercials and read through them. Best of both worlds! But I wanted to share some of the latest books I've read that I absolutely loved. I might do this periodically. Actually, it would probably work best if I made a books page and just listed them all there. Yes, that's what I'll do! Enjoy!

Take the good with the bad.

Well, we've had an eventful week! I'm definitely learning to take the good with the bad. Some days are great, and some just are hard. Some have a mixture. This week I got to experience that firsthand.

I got a job on Thursday. I will be working as a loan clerk at the operations center for a local bank. I'm very excited about it. I've worked in banking before, but I've never worked in loans, so it's a great way for me to learn something new, which I love to do. And I'm excited about this bank, because it's the only locally owned bank that survived both the crash in the 1980s AND the most recent crash, is still growing, and was voted one of the best places in the state to work for the last 3 years.

Jim's career changes are moving along, and it looks like, barring any unforeseen difficulties, we'll be a civilian family again on June 1st. That's an answer to so many prayers, as the military life hasn't really fit us and we're excited about changes in our lives and new adventures we can have (scary though they may be).

Because we're now a dual-income family, it was important that we become a dual-car family. I will have a bit of a commute (30-45 minutes each way) to work starting on the 19th, and Jim will be driving to the base for the next month or so, then driving to classes and back home to study and work (and probably running a few local errands, if I'm working all day). We did a lot of research. We're excited about the new electric cars coming out, but decided trading in our 2005 Honda Accord Hybrid would be best in a couple of years when we're ready to buy electric. In the mean time, we wanted another hybrid, something that would get great gas mileage and be environmentally friendly, and something that would be able to fit a couple of car seats, should it need to in the coming years. After a lot of research we decided on the Toyota Prius. Even with the "problems" that car company has been having, we were confident that if we were to purchase a brand-new vehicle all of the recall issues would be taken care of. We found a great interest rate and got an amazing deal through our bank, went on Friday evening and got offered an even better interest rate from the dealership, got to test drive the car, liked it a LOT, and bought it. We had a tracking system installed and then picked it up Saturday morning. We think our new car is awesome. It totally works for my geek husband that it's like a computer on wheels, gets an AVERAGE 51 mpg, and has no emissions. We are very pleased with our purchase.

As if buying a vehicle wasn't enough of an effort to bolster the economy, yesterday we spent hundreds of dollars buying things for around the house (lawnmower, weed eater, etc.). Ah, the joys of homeownership. :)

Thursday Jim took me out for a nice dinner; Friday I got to go to lunch and for a bit of shopping with a lovely friend. Yesterday I got to see a lot of my family members when my sister hosted a birthday party for me at her house. (Oh yeah, my birthday was Thursday. Jim got me a Wii Fit. I hate my birthday, but Jim and my family made it as good as possible.) It's really nice to be able to celebrate special events with my family. I'm so thankful to them.

I began feeling like myself a bit this week. I was happy on Friday. It was nice to hang out with my friend. It was great to see my family yesterday. Every day I have sad moments thinking about my girl, but this week I finally, after 4.5 months, started feeling like me again. Goofy, crazy, silly, unpredictable me.

Today at church was a sort of difficult service in a way I never anticipated. Here's where the bad/hard/difficult/emotional comes in. There was a baby dedication for a beautiful boy of a couple about our age. The baby is just a few months old, probably about the age that Angel would be now. Jim and I both got teary-eyed, and I had to get up and leave the service. I promptly lost all composure upon reaching the ladies' room. I managed to semi-hold it together through the rest of the dedication, while silently crying in my seat. I didn't think that would get me, but it did. (It probably didn't help that we heard Billy Joel's "Lullaby" (Goodnight, My Angel...) song in the car on the way to church, so we were already primed for an emotional event.) The pastor said that today's dedication was the first of several coming up. Perhaps Jim and I will come to church late or conveniently have to go to the bathroom for 10 minutes at a time during the next ones. Or perhaps God will help us to be okay during events like that. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, the good comes with the bad. Life isn't fair. Life is hard. I get all of the clichés in my daily routine. Going along with my last post, I just have to choose positivity. Good things came out of losing our daughter: our marriage is rock solid, we were able to move away from a place where Jim was unhappy in his job and now even more good things are opening up for him/us, we have a beautiful and comfortable home, we have an awesome new car, we have a wonderful dog and a great cat, we have family that loves us and we have hope for the future. It sucks that we had to lose her to get to this point. I still don't know how losing Angel was a part of our life's plan, even though I see the good that has resulted after the situation. Good things happen to us even when we have hard days. Life is unfair, but it's life. I will take the bad because in order to get the good, too, I have to.

Spring

Spring is here and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it this year. Usually I like it, even though fall is my favorite season. But this year, with spring bringing new life everywhere, I can't help but remember how our baby girl's life was taken away. I know that's the wrong attitude to have, but I'm reminded daily of the fact that she isn't here. It's so so hard!

We are so happy today, and yet so sad at the same time. Jim's cousin, Angie, and her husband, Zack, welcomed beautiful, healthy baby Zoey Abigail into the world this morning in Denver. We couldn't be more thrilled for them! They suffered a miscarriage with their first pregnancy, a heartache that I would wish upon no one, especially such a wonderful couple. We got pregnant shortly after they did, and they had already miscarried when we told everyone we were expecting. This cousin of Jim's is also a really close friend. They are the same age, their birthdays are 5 days apart (and, coincidentally, Zack and I are the same age; our birthdays are 4 days apart). Jim and Angie grew up together, graduated high school together, we all got married the same year. Angie's due date was my birthday, and mine was 5 days before her birthday. And then we were supposed to have baby girls within the same year that could grow up together and be good friends. We were all so looking forward to it! So with Zoey's birth comes wonderful relief for us, that our dear friends/family members have such a healthy and beautiful girl. But at the same time there is a heartache that is brought by the fact that our girls won't grow up together, and will never get to play or laugh together, and we won't get to share parenthood together as we've been able to share everything else for so many years. We are SO happy for them, and yet we miss our Angel so much that it hurts. Zoey's birth sort of seems like an end to everything we shared with Angie and Zack, which is really hard to take.

Anyway, spring this year isn't quite what I had expected, but I'm still, somehow, so optimistic about the growth and happiness that our lives will have. I've always always been such a pessimistic and cynical person that it probably amazes my friends that I am able to be positive through the worst thing ever. But I am. I know that the heartache might last forever, but that our hearts can only break so much. (Not that I want to test that theory.) I miss my daughter every minute, but I still have a good life. I have an absolutely wonderful marriage and a husband whose love and kindness and caring never ceases to amaze me. I have a supportive family that loves us and has welcomed us home with open arms. I have friends across the globe who send hugs and encouragement across the Internet and who want to visit me in Oklahoma - as if there's anything fun here - just because they want to see me; and I have friends locally who give me hugs and encouragement in person, along with queso, wine and lots of laughter. We have enough financially, even though we don't have a lot. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful dog and a sweet kitty. And we have beautiful memories of our daughter's 10 months of development and great hope for our future children.

So since spring is here, I will choose to look forward and not backward, to look for new life and growth instead of focusing on death and sadness. I will consciously choose to embrace Angie and Zack and love their daughter (my new ex-step-second-cousin-in-law - don't try to follow that) and be so grateful for her life and that Angie and Zack did not have to experience another heartache. I will choose to focus on the joy that our future children will bring into our lives, and to be a good parent for my Angel in heaven, always making her proud with the life I lead. I will give all I have, every single day, to my marriage and to my husband. I will work as hard as I can to contribute to a good life for us. And I will choose happiness and joy and positivity over pain.

Meatless March

Well, March is over, and it's now April Fool's Day. I tried to fool Jim today by telling him I crashed his computer, but he was nonplussed by the idea and didn't freak out like I had hoped. Oh well. I guess it's better to have an unexcitable husband since I'm so ridiculously excitable.

For the month of March Jim and I decided to go meatless. I got the idea from Jennie over at She Likes Purple. It was an effort to start cooking with fresher foods, cooking more often than eating out, and had the added bonus of helping us feel healthier and hopefully jumpstart weight loss (it's been scientifically proven that people, especially Americans, eat too much meat for our bodies; this is a fairly new development that began with our generation). Over the course of the month we tried a bunch of new foods and recipes, even though we ate more frozen pizza than I'd like to admit and still went out some. But, we did achieve our other goals. I learned a lot of new recipes and great foods, I feel healthier than when I have meat every day, I lost a little bit of weight, and we ate at home a LOT more. So, all in all I'd call Meatless March a success.

Here are some of the recipes we ate. Some of them were from cookbooks, some were my own take on recipes I make with meat or my take on recipes from cookbooks, and others were completely made up. All were delicious!:

Tofu Rancheros with southwestern rice
Vegetarian Mexican Lasagna
Pasta salad (with whole wheat rotini, veggies and tofu)
Vegetarian sausage with peppers and spaghetti squash
Homemade black bean burgers with sweet potato fries
Spinach and mushroom enchiladas with Spanish rice and black beans
Homemade pizza with veggies and tofu
Stuffed bell peppers with couscous, beans, veggies and cheese
Sweet potato and squash quesadillas
Spicy sesame broccoli with pan-fried tofu and sticky rice
Polenta with black beans, spinach and sun-dried tomatoes
Vegetarian Paella
Spinach-artichoke salad with veggies and garbanzo beans
Baked cheese ravioli with veggies and marinara sauce
Tofu and couscous with sun-dried tomatoes and onions
Vegetarian tortilla casserole
French bread Margherita pizza
Roasted BBQ tempeh with veggies and sweet potato fries

There were others, but I don't remember them all, and we still ate out occasionally. :) All in all, it was a pretty good experience.

This month I also made my way through the book Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. I saw the author on Ellen and decided to read it. It's about the factory farming industry and convinces a lot of people to stop eating meat altogether. As a Christian, though, I believe that God gave us dominion over animals (and, frankly, I really like meat), and the book convinced me that changes are needed in the farming industry and in legislation for it. There are several stores around here where I can buy responsibly farmed meat until changes occur in the industry, something Oklahoma City refers to as Slow Foods. So if you're in the area and interested in the movement, you can shop at Native Roots, Forward Foods, The Earth, or elsewhere in OKC. If you're not in Oklahoma, you can check for stores in other areas here. You can also get involved in the movement and write your congressmen or check out other resources from Farm Forward. Please don't get me wrong: if you're a vegetarian or vegan for either health or moral reasons (or both) I will never judge you for it. I was a vegetarian for 3 years because I didn't like the idea of eating food with a face, and one of my sisters is a vegetarian and one of my brothers is vegan.

Well, now that I've rambled on for a bit, I'll stop. :)  Hope you're all doing well. Easter is this weekend and I'll write a post about Easter and spring soon. This is shaping up to be a pretty difficult time of year for me, but more on that later. Thank you all for your love, hugs, attention, care, kindness and support. I'm super blessed, despite everything that's gone on in the past several months. Love and hugs to you all!