A year ago today the world stopped turning for Jim and me. Most of you know the story, but I'll give a brief background just in case you don't. A more comprehensive story of my labor and delivery can be found on the Labor & Delivery page of this blog. Just e-mail me for the password (but if you're a stranger, I may not grant the request).
I started this blog when Jim and I were living in Japan, where he was stationed with the Air Force. I started it when we got pregnant for the first time, and I wanted our families and friends in the States to be able to keep up with the progress. We found out about our little geekling on March 23, 2009, seven years to the day after we got engaged. My due date was calculated to be December 4th - my husband's birthday and my all-time favorite day of the year. I was really healthy during my pregnancy: I ran through my first trimester, and swam laps and/or walked several miles almost daily through the second and third. I didn't gain too much weight. My pregnancy was rough, with lots of nausea all the way through, heartburn, aches, pains and major headaches. But I knew it would all be worth it and I was so excited. We found out our baby was a girl at 15 weeks, and then confirmed it at 21 weeks before announcing it to our family and friends. Our apartment soon exploded in pinks and purples and we were so very excited about our baby. We picked out two beautiful names and decided to wait until we met our daughter to name her. She would have been either Annalisa Margaret or Natalia Margaret. I quit my job in August so that I could focus on finishing up my graduate degree before our daughter's arrival. I finished my coursework in October and then settled into a relaxed routine of waiting for baby. Jim had another year and a half in the military, and I was planning to be a stay-at-home-mom to our daughter.
The night of Thanksgiving 2009 I went into labor. We had enjoyed a small feast at home with a friend and Jim and his friend had pulled out our Christmas decorations so Jim and I could decorate our apartment the next day. Around 9pm my contractions were regular and by 12pm I was at the hospital. The rest of the story is, well, heartbreaking. In short, our daughter didn't tolerate my contractions, I was, eventually, taken into an emergency c-section and after her delivery we thought everything was going to be okay until the pediatrician came to tell us they had been working on our girl for 30 minutes and hadn't been able to start her breathing. After the delivery and pediatric teams went over everything and the pathologist finished his autopsy, it turns out everything that pretty much everything that can go wrong during labor and delivery did go wrong. Our sweet baby probably would not have made it no matter what was done, and no matter what medical technology had been available at our base hospital. After a full-term, healthy, successful pregnancy, I gave birth to a daughter who did not live.
The world stopped turning on November 27, 2009, when we lost our daughter. I carried her for 39 weeks. We became parents that day but have never been able to be parents to our child. We named her Angel, her role of watching over us from above reflected in her name.
There has been a lot of healing in the last year. We requested and were granted an assignment back to the States, in Oklahoma to be near my family, since Jim's is spread out across the country and mine is pretty much in one place with a few exceptions. Jim requested and was granted an early out from the military and our civilian life, while difficult in a lot of ways, has been wonderful so far. We bought a house, we got 2 dogs to add to the cat we brought with us back from Japan. And just five months after Angel's birth we became pregnant again. I'm now almost 34 weeks along with another daughter, and I have a careful and kind and very knowledgable doctor who is taking every necessary step and precaution to ensure this child will have the greatest chance possible. In 25 days I plan to deliver her at just past the full-term mark via a scheduled caesarean.
But with the healing we've encountered a lot of really low lows. Jim and I have both suffered from depressive episodes. I, who have suffered from chronic depression for a number of years, sought chemical help and upped my dosage of antidepressants after we moved to the States. There have been days for both of us when we don't know what to do and getting out of bed is difficult, let alone trying to get through the day. There have been days when I am so scared about Eddy's birth and life that I worry all day, even though I know it's not good for her. I have struggled with working on the house to get it ready to bring home our second daughter because I have this horrible, terrible fear in the back of my mind that we won't get to bring her home, either.
But despite all of the above (and so much more), we're hopeful, and we continue to heal. We've both sought help from professionals who can talk us through what we're feeling and help us come out on the other side. We've sought ultimate refuge in each other - a step that I'm so thankful we thought to make - and have come together in our love and our love for our daughters more closely than we ever thought possible. We've made decisions together for our future and figured out together what is best for our little family. We hardly ever have outright fights anymore because we generally know how to coherently and respectfully disagree with one another. I, who have always been a pessimistic person, have learned that it's not worth it to get wound up over things you cannot control. I'm more laid back, more positive, and, I've been told, more easy and enjoyable to be around now. I strive to both inwardly and outwardly manage the stressors in my life so that I don't bring undue stress to my current pregnancy. I don't hide my true feelings, or put on a mask, but I've learned to manage any stress in a way that doesn't dwell within me.
This week, as we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family members and each other, I couldn't help but remember every second of my Thanksgiving last year. Last night I was up until after 2 a.m. because I didn't know if I'd be able to sleep or if I'd have nightmares all night about that horrible night last year. I was able to sleep, almost through the night, and I had no nightmares. Though I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, I know that as difficult as the 27th of November will be every year, as hard as it will be to celebrate Thanksgiving and not equate a day of giving thanks with the devastation of losing our first daughter, that we can get through. We've already made it a year. Though each year this time may bring something new and will, undoubtedly, be difficult in and of itself, we still have so very much for which to be thankful. And we can't let Angel's death keep us from living our lives.
One year ago today the world stopped turning for me and Jim. But somehow we've made it through.
sábado, 27 de noviembre de 2010
jueves, 25 de noviembre de 2010
Question Answered: Recovery from C-Section
Inspired by a blogging heroine of mine, Swistle, and urged by my wonderful husband to answer some questions I receive (whether received through blogging or not), I am posting my answer to a friend who has a big decision to make very soon. She is in a position where it might be necessary for her to choose to go into labor with a pretty good possibility of an emergency c-section, or scheduling a c-section. Here is my answer, in part (and a bit cleaned up, since typing a Facebook message on my Blackberry isn't all that conducive to editing grammatical and spelling errors/proofreading):
I would TOTALLY recommend scheduling your c-section. I was only in labor for about 10 hours before my surgery, and it was plenty for me, with the recovery from both being the primary concern. Labor is so very exhausting (because even after the epidural your body is working SO hard!) that recovery from both is just, in my opinion, too much. I had really good drugs after the surgery, so that helped my physical recovery, but I don't know what kind of meds they give you when you're nursing. I don't know what the immediate recovery is like without a morphine drip and a steady stream of percocet. My surgery was also really hard, I think, because it was emergency and really rushed. I don't think I was really as numbed as much as I should have been because I could feel a lot more pain than I think I was supposed to. That's another good reason to schedule, I guess!
(Sidenote: I have spoken with friends who had emergency c-sections who did not have the same types of pain during surgery that I had; I think I was so emotionally numb from the whole experience of labor and the emotional stress we were under and I think I told the nurse anesthetist that I was numb when I wasn't because I wasn't focusing on my pain when she was trying to get the medicine to my lower half. The medical team that did my surgery was awesome; I think part of what made my surgery so difficult was the emotional pain I was in.)
My surgery recovery wasn't too terrible, though. It might be different with a newborn, though, without the ability to rest whenever you want. I was given a release to start running again at about 2 weeks, and I had no physical restrictions at about 4 weeks, which was much sooner than I thought. I was done with my percocet and only on motrin within the 2-week mark. I still had random pains until about 6-8 weeks, and kept a bottle of percocet handy for rough moments, but it was a pretty surprisingly swift recovery overall.
Thanks to my wonderful friend for the question! Good luck in the next few weeks; can't wait to meet your sweet baby. :)
I would TOTALLY recommend scheduling your c-section. I was only in labor for about 10 hours before my surgery, and it was plenty for me, with the recovery from both being the primary concern. Labor is so very exhausting (because even after the epidural your body is working SO hard!) that recovery from both is just, in my opinion, too much. I had really good drugs after the surgery, so that helped my physical recovery, but I don't know what kind of meds they give you when you're nursing. I don't know what the immediate recovery is like without a morphine drip and a steady stream of percocet. My surgery was also really hard, I think, because it was emergency and really rushed. I don't think I was really as numbed as much as I should have been because I could feel a lot more pain than I think I was supposed to. That's another good reason to schedule, I guess!
(Sidenote: I have spoken with friends who had emergency c-sections who did not have the same types of pain during surgery that I had; I think I was so emotionally numb from the whole experience of labor and the emotional stress we were under and I think I told the nurse anesthetist that I was numb when I wasn't because I wasn't focusing on my pain when she was trying to get the medicine to my lower half. The medical team that did my surgery was awesome; I think part of what made my surgery so difficult was the emotional pain I was in.)
My surgery recovery wasn't too terrible, though. It might be different with a newborn, though, without the ability to rest whenever you want. I was given a release to start running again at about 2 weeks, and I had no physical restrictions at about 4 weeks, which was much sooner than I thought. I was done with my percocet and only on motrin within the 2-week mark. I still had random pains until about 6-8 weeks, and kept a bottle of percocet handy for rough moments, but it was a pretty surprisingly swift recovery overall.
Thanks to my wonderful friend for the question! Good luck in the next few weeks; can't wait to meet your sweet baby. :)
martes, 23 de noviembre de 2010
Guessing Game
Hi, Everyone!
There's a new page at the top of the blog where you can enter to win prizes for guessing correctly about our girl! Five questions, one comment, up to five winners!
Good luck!
There's a new page at the top of the blog where you can enter to win prizes for guessing correctly about our girl! Five questions, one comment, up to five winners!
Good luck!
lunes, 22 de noviembre de 2010
30 Days
Today I had my second NST appointment, and everything went well. The radiologist said that she wasn't moving as much as they would want her to during contractions (I had three small contractions in the 20-minutes or so I was hooked up to the machine, but I'm not having labor contractions, just little ones that I've been having for weeks, and they aren't regular like last Tuesday's debacle), so the radiologist had to "buzz" the baby. Now. If you've never had NSTs and haven't experienced this, just know that it's hilarious. I laughed so hard. Because it's not a shock or anything, like I had previously thought, it's just a machine that makes a buzzing noise that is held against my belly for a split second so the noise goes through the amniotic fluid and wakes the kid up to see how she'll react. Well. Eddy sure reacted. She was moving and kicking like crazy. I was laughing, which moved the belly and made her move more. Oh, it was so funny. So she's good.
I am still not gaining weight, but the doctor isn't concerned about it. My weight was back down 2 lbs from last week, and I've only gained a collective 4 lbs in the whole 33 weeks (I'll be 33 weeks tomorrow). At this point, the baby weighs more than I've gained. At this rate I'll go home from the hospital lighter than when I started the pregnancy! The doctor said my belly is growing fine, and everything looked good with the NST readout and my belly measurement. My blood pressure was good. The nurse noted that today's the 22nd of November so we're exactly a month away. I knew it was 30 days, but it didn't even cross my mind that it's a month from today. CRAZY!
Next appointment next Monday.
I am still not gaining weight, but the doctor isn't concerned about it. My weight was back down 2 lbs from last week, and I've only gained a collective 4 lbs in the whole 33 weeks (I'll be 33 weeks tomorrow). At this point, the baby weighs more than I've gained. At this rate I'll go home from the hospital lighter than when I started the pregnancy! The doctor said my belly is growing fine, and everything looked good with the NST readout and my belly measurement. My blood pressure was good. The nurse noted that today's the 22nd of November so we're exactly a month away. I knew it was 30 days, but it didn't even cross my mind that it's a month from today. CRAZY!
Next appointment next Monday.
domingo, 21 de noviembre de 2010
Belly Pictures!
Today we went to the University of Oklahoma campus to take some belly pictures with my wonderful older sister. She's not a professional photographer, but she has a fancy camera, and it got the job done. Here's a link to the photos: picasaweb.google.com/JTDAngelo/BellyPicturesByTana?feat=directlink!
I think this one's my favorite of the both of us:
I edited the photos in Microsoft Office Picture Manager and in Picasa by Google. I'm really excited that they turned out so well (and, if you're local, you'll know that the clouds and sun were iffy today, so I'm really excited the sun came out for a while). Eddy will be here in 31 days!
Jim and I are off to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 in a few minutes! YAY! :)
I think this one's my favorite of the both of us:
I edited the photos in Microsoft Office Picture Manager and in Picasa by Google. I'm really excited that they turned out so well (and, if you're local, you'll know that the clouds and sun were iffy today, so I'm really excited the sun came out for a while). Eddy will be here in 31 days!
Jim and I are off to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 in a few minutes! YAY! :)
miércoles, 17 de noviembre de 2010
Ridiculous
So... I know you're all astounded by the number of posts I've been putting out lately. Just enjoy it while it lasts. :) Hopefully I'm not boring you all to tears by now!
Yesterday was a CRAZY day. Around noon I started having contractions. They weren't painful; I could feel my belly tighten, and after about 15 seconds or so I would start breathing a little more heavily and then my stomach would relax and Eddy would kick and wiggle and move around. Around 3pm they still hadn't stopped, and while they weren't painful, they were coming every 5-7 minutes without fail. I called my doctor's office, and they told me to head to the Women's Center at our local medical center and ask to be put on a monitor. I called Jim, and we decided he wouldn't come with me because I didn't want him to worry unnecessarily, or just sit by the bed while I was on a monitor staring at me, helpless. I felt it would be better for me to update him on the situation and he had a lot to do at home with work and school, so he was better off focusing on that and receiving update texts instead of sitting in the monitoring room at the medical center.
I was on a monitor for about 45 minutes. I was, indeed, having contractions every 5-7 minutes, but they weren't labor contractions, and they weren't progressing at all to become such, and Eddy was responding well to them. Then the nurse "checked" me and I was still all closed up - that's a good thing, in case there are any people who don't know about labor reading this. (Uh, the nurse had short fingers which, if you are a woman who has been "checked" you know it makes things a bit more uncomfortable and painful in that situation. Not cool.) My doctor was the one on-call, and he was content with the nurse's evaluation and the monitor readout. He said that he would prescribe me a muscle relaxer which would relax my uterus and stop the contractions if I wanted, but I opted to wait to see if they would stop on their own, rather than be on yet another medication. If they start back up again in the same manner, I'll call his office to get the prescription, though. If they start back up again and are painful, real labor contractions, I'm supposed to head back to the medical center.
So, anywho. That was my ridiculous Tuesday. I woke up today sore all over and with an exhausted body. Here's hoping Wednesday treats me a little bit better!
I know that I've progressed in my pregnancy enough that if Eddy was born now, chances are good that she would be okay. But since I had a 39-week baby that wasn't okay, I'm not too keen on having a 32-week baby and hoping for the best. I so appreciate that my doctor is so careful with me and is not taking any chances. It's nice to have someone who cares about your health and the health of your child when faced with frightening situations like I've had in this pregnancy.
Happy Wednesday to you all!
P.S. I had a dream last night that Eddy was born (it was a super-weird dream, so I won't bore you with the crazy details) and she didn't look like me or Jim or Angel, but she had a LOT of hair (which was my focus yesterday morning with horrible heartburn, which you know if you're my Facebook friend), and it wasn't as long as Jim's crazy mane, but it was in the same sort of non-style, and wavy and thick and dark brown. Strange dream. :)
Yesterday was a CRAZY day. Around noon I started having contractions. They weren't painful; I could feel my belly tighten, and after about 15 seconds or so I would start breathing a little more heavily and then my stomach would relax and Eddy would kick and wiggle and move around. Around 3pm they still hadn't stopped, and while they weren't painful, they were coming every 5-7 minutes without fail. I called my doctor's office, and they told me to head to the Women's Center at our local medical center and ask to be put on a monitor. I called Jim, and we decided he wouldn't come with me because I didn't want him to worry unnecessarily, or just sit by the bed while I was on a monitor staring at me, helpless. I felt it would be better for me to update him on the situation and he had a lot to do at home with work and school, so he was better off focusing on that and receiving update texts instead of sitting in the monitoring room at the medical center.
I was on a monitor for about 45 minutes. I was, indeed, having contractions every 5-7 minutes, but they weren't labor contractions, and they weren't progressing at all to become such, and Eddy was responding well to them. Then the nurse "checked" me and I was still all closed up - that's a good thing, in case there are any people who don't know about labor reading this. (Uh, the nurse had short fingers which, if you are a woman who has been "checked" you know it makes things a bit more uncomfortable and painful in that situation. Not cool.) My doctor was the one on-call, and he was content with the nurse's evaluation and the monitor readout. He said that he would prescribe me a muscle relaxer which would relax my uterus and stop the contractions if I wanted, but I opted to wait to see if they would stop on their own, rather than be on yet another medication. If they start back up again in the same manner, I'll call his office to get the prescription, though. If they start back up again and are painful, real labor contractions, I'm supposed to head back to the medical center.
So, anywho. That was my ridiculous Tuesday. I woke up today sore all over and with an exhausted body. Here's hoping Wednesday treats me a little bit better!
I know that I've progressed in my pregnancy enough that if Eddy was born now, chances are good that she would be okay. But since I had a 39-week baby that wasn't okay, I'm not too keen on having a 32-week baby and hoping for the best. I so appreciate that my doctor is so careful with me and is not taking any chances. It's nice to have someone who cares about your health and the health of your child when faced with frightening situations like I've had in this pregnancy.
Happy Wednesday to you all!
P.S. I had a dream last night that Eddy was born (it was a super-weird dream, so I won't bore you with the crazy details) and she didn't look like me or Jim or Angel, but she had a LOT of hair (which was my focus yesterday morning with horrible heartburn, which you know if you're my Facebook friend), and it wasn't as long as Jim's crazy mane, but it was in the same sort of non-style, and wavy and thick and dark brown. Strange dream. :)
lunes, 15 de noviembre de 2010
32 Weeks and 11.5 months (2 stories)
Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant. As of Wednesday, we will have 5 weeks until our delivery date. To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the century. I had a doctor's appointment today, complete with NST, an ultrasound, a visit with the doctor, and a blood draw. I got all of my questions answered from the doctor, and after telling him how much water I've been drinking and ice I've been craving, he agreed with me that I should have another glucose and iron test (hence the blood draw). The NST was fine; Eddy was moving around like a crazy girl, and her heartbeat was going up when it was supposed to. The ultrasound showed the growth spurt I knew must have occurred since my belly really grew a lot over the last three weeks (and my back pain increased significantly). Eddy is now weighing in at about 4 lbs, 9 oz (remember three weeks ago she weighed 2 lbs, 13 oz). She's now in the 50th percentile in weight, and the radiologist said that at this rate of growth she will probably hit 7 lbs by her birth at 37 weeks! So exciting. She didn't estimate length, but everything looked great, her skull and spine are growing just fine, and her stomach grew a lot in the last 3 weeks. All in all, everything looked great!
Here's a picture of a little bitty foot, and one of a little bitty hand. Eddy was facing my back today, so no face shots.
It's been almost a year since we lost our Angel. November 27th will prove to be a very difficult day in our house, and we plan to celebrate our girl on that day. I have had lots of friends have babies and/or announce pregnancies in the last 11.5 months. I have had friends that have lost babies early in pregnancy. I have heard everyone's friend's or family member's story about stillbirths. I have celebrated the milestones of babies that were born just before or just after Angel. I have been happy for all of these friends, despite the pang of pain that accompanies news like this. I miss my daughter. She shouldn't have died. We all know this. All of you know how difficult the journey has been for Jim and me. Even finding out that I was pregnant again was a bittersweet, both happy and sad time. At my appointment today the NST brought back harsh memories of being in labor and hearing Angel's heart beating, seeing the doctor and nurses look at the readout from the machine. When I'm in the OR for Eddy's delivery, I will almost certainly have flashbacks of Angel's delivery, and every second until I hear her first cries will be like hours of waiting and stress and fear.
But Sunday I found out that one of my oldest and most wonderful friends was pregnant. She and I have known each other since first grade. We grew up together. Her husband and I have known each other since 9th grade. She and her husband have struggled with getting pregnant, and it's been really hard to go through this pregnancy and know that months were passing and as my belly and baby grew, they were having a hard time. Despite conception struggles, she was so happy for Jim and me, and has been so gracious as my pregnancy has progressed. Sunday she told me she was 15 weeks along. 15 weeks! She's almost to the halfway mark already! I was so overjoyed to find out that they are expecting. And it gives me great strength of mind and heart for other friends that have struggled or are struggling with conception. And for the first time since losing Angel, there was no pang of pain that accompanied the joy I have for my friends. There was simply happiness for them, love for their unborn child, excitement for this gift they've received. It was an awakening in my heart, one that was long-coming along a difficult road. Congratulations, wonderful friends! I can't wait for our kiddos to grow up together like we got to!
Happy Monday to the rest of you. Here's hoping your week is great!
Here's a picture of a little bitty foot, and one of a little bitty hand. Eddy was facing my back today, so no face shots.
It's been almost a year since we lost our Angel. November 27th will prove to be a very difficult day in our house, and we plan to celebrate our girl on that day. I have had lots of friends have babies and/or announce pregnancies in the last 11.5 months. I have had friends that have lost babies early in pregnancy. I have heard everyone's friend's or family member's story about stillbirths. I have celebrated the milestones of babies that were born just before or just after Angel. I have been happy for all of these friends, despite the pang of pain that accompanies news like this. I miss my daughter. She shouldn't have died. We all know this. All of you know how difficult the journey has been for Jim and me. Even finding out that I was pregnant again was a bittersweet, both happy and sad time. At my appointment today the NST brought back harsh memories of being in labor and hearing Angel's heart beating, seeing the doctor and nurses look at the readout from the machine. When I'm in the OR for Eddy's delivery, I will almost certainly have flashbacks of Angel's delivery, and every second until I hear her first cries will be like hours of waiting and stress and fear.
But Sunday I found out that one of my oldest and most wonderful friends was pregnant. She and I have known each other since first grade. We grew up together. Her husband and I have known each other since 9th grade. She and her husband have struggled with getting pregnant, and it's been really hard to go through this pregnancy and know that months were passing and as my belly and baby grew, they were having a hard time. Despite conception struggles, she was so happy for Jim and me, and has been so gracious as my pregnancy has progressed. Sunday she told me she was 15 weeks along. 15 weeks! She's almost to the halfway mark already! I was so overjoyed to find out that they are expecting. And it gives me great strength of mind and heart for other friends that have struggled or are struggling with conception. And for the first time since losing Angel, there was no pang of pain that accompanied the joy I have for my friends. There was simply happiness for them, love for their unborn child, excitement for this gift they've received. It was an awakening in my heart, one that was long-coming along a difficult road. Congratulations, wonderful friends! I can't wait for our kiddos to grow up together like we got to!
Happy Monday to the rest of you. Here's hoping your week is great!
Drama finds our family, wherever we go...
Oh, wow. What a weekend! It was lovely, actually, until Sunday afternoon. Let me start by saying that I, Jim and the baby are all fine - this has NOTHING to do with us!
Sunday morning I made a big crock pot of tortilla soup to take to dinner at my dad's house Sunday evening. Around 2:30 my dad called, and I thought he was going to push dinner back, confirm we were all still coming, or ask if he needed to pick anything up/do anything before we all got there. No. He was calling to tell me that he and his ex-wife were at the emergency room because my brother had a seizure. WHAT?! Not cool. This is my brother who had invasive neurosurgery four years ago to STOP his seizures. The brother who had a benign tumor that, after taking medication daily for years to keep the seizures from happening and having countless tests to figure out what to do, a fantastic doctor found a way to remove. The brother who has been FINE since after the surgery, who has carried on his life, grown his hair to hide the scar and grown up into a successful, happy, healthy (SUPER-HEALTHY - works out all the time, runs a stream of nutritional shops, etc.) young adult. The brother who, did I mention, has been FINE for the last four years!
Um yeah. So I went up to the hospital and hung out for awhile with my dad, my brother, my brother's mom (he's my half-brother, technically, but if you read my sibling series you know we don't use that term very often), my brother's roommate and my brother's girlfriend. Our older sister got there a little while later. The CAT scan showed nothing new, a blessing but also a quandary. They were given the name of a neurologist (my brother's previous neurologist is no longer practicing) and were going to try to get in to see their family doctor today to get an official referral (for insurance purposes) to a neurologist or neurological team in the area. My brother cannot drive himself around until a doctor says it's okay, cannot bathe without someone outside the door listening for any issues, and has to resume taking daily medication.
We're hopeful that he'll find a neurologist that can explain why this happened better than the ER doctor could ("Well, sometimes this happens after a big surgery like that; there's really no way to predict it." - To which my brother replied, "Then WHY did I have the surgery in the first place!?"). He's hopeful that the daily medication will not be forever, that he won't have to have another surgery, that he'll be able to resume his life as soon as possible. I feel for him because there's nothing else I can do. It's not my problem to fix (not that it's not my problem, because anything involving a close family member counts as an issue in my life), and there's nothing I can do to help besides offer to drive him where he needs to go and offer to be there for him if he wants to hang out. I don't want to take on the stress of the situation because it won't help, and Lord knows I don't need to stress out myself or this baby with only 37 days to go in the pregnancy. We're all trying to stay calm and stay hopeful.
My heart goes out to my brother, especially, but also to his mom and our dad. I know the pain of your child hurting where there's really nothing that can be done except trust the medical team (albeit in a different way). But now, instead of being 17 and living at their houses, he's 21 and living on his own, and they can't control his surroundings or restrict his actions. Please send any positive thoughts or prayers toward Oklahoma.
Oh the drama... it always seems to find our family when things calm down.
P.S. Anyone want some chicken tortilla soup? :)
Sunday morning I made a big crock pot of tortilla soup to take to dinner at my dad's house Sunday evening. Around 2:30 my dad called, and I thought he was going to push dinner back, confirm we were all still coming, or ask if he needed to pick anything up/do anything before we all got there. No. He was calling to tell me that he and his ex-wife were at the emergency room because my brother had a seizure. WHAT?! Not cool. This is my brother who had invasive neurosurgery four years ago to STOP his seizures. The brother who had a benign tumor that, after taking medication daily for years to keep the seizures from happening and having countless tests to figure out what to do, a fantastic doctor found a way to remove. The brother who has been FINE since after the surgery, who has carried on his life, grown his hair to hide the scar and grown up into a successful, happy, healthy (SUPER-HEALTHY - works out all the time, runs a stream of nutritional shops, etc.) young adult. The brother who, did I mention, has been FINE for the last four years!
Um yeah. So I went up to the hospital and hung out for awhile with my dad, my brother, my brother's mom (he's my half-brother, technically, but if you read my sibling series you know we don't use that term very often), my brother's roommate and my brother's girlfriend. Our older sister got there a little while later. The CAT scan showed nothing new, a blessing but also a quandary. They were given the name of a neurologist (my brother's previous neurologist is no longer practicing) and were going to try to get in to see their family doctor today to get an official referral (for insurance purposes) to a neurologist or neurological team in the area. My brother cannot drive himself around until a doctor says it's okay, cannot bathe without someone outside the door listening for any issues, and has to resume taking daily medication.
We're hopeful that he'll find a neurologist that can explain why this happened better than the ER doctor could ("Well, sometimes this happens after a big surgery like that; there's really no way to predict it." - To which my brother replied, "Then WHY did I have the surgery in the first place!?"). He's hopeful that the daily medication will not be forever, that he won't have to have another surgery, that he'll be able to resume his life as soon as possible. I feel for him because there's nothing else I can do. It's not my problem to fix (not that it's not my problem, because anything involving a close family member counts as an issue in my life), and there's nothing I can do to help besides offer to drive him where he needs to go and offer to be there for him if he wants to hang out. I don't want to take on the stress of the situation because it won't help, and Lord knows I don't need to stress out myself or this baby with only 37 days to go in the pregnancy. We're all trying to stay calm and stay hopeful.
My heart goes out to my brother, especially, but also to his mom and our dad. I know the pain of your child hurting where there's really nothing that can be done except trust the medical team (albeit in a different way). But now, instead of being 17 and living at their houses, he's 21 and living on his own, and they can't control his surroundings or restrict his actions. Please send any positive thoughts or prayers toward Oklahoma.
Oh the drama... it always seems to find our family when things calm down.
P.S. Anyone want some chicken tortilla soup? :)
martes, 9 de noviembre de 2010
Six Weeks
Today marks 31 weeks of pregnancy. Tomorrow will bring the countdown to six remaining weeks till my scheduled c-section.
Last night was one of the worst I've had as far as restless legs are concerned. I laid down at about 9:30, read till around 10:15 and the last time I looked at the clock it was about 11:30. My legs were burning and aching and I did the only thing I know to do - move them to make them tired. I got up and stretched, paced around the living room (stumbled, actually, because the rest of me was so tired it was difficult to stay upright), laid back down and moved my legs till I fell asleep. Then, of course, I was up about every hour and a half to use the bathroom. And there were also consistent leg cramps that woke me up, but those I get while awake, as well. This morning getting out of bed took a lot of effort, and my legs were as sore as when I was training for races with my running group in Japan. I haven't run in at least 7 months. Apparently, my legs are getting a workout whether I like it or not.
43 days to go.
I don't remember pregnancy being this hard this early last time. I mean, sure, the nausea and heartburn plagued me from the start and continued until the day I delivered our Angel. But my belly already feels heavy, it's hard to put on my own shoes, the insomnia gets me about half of each week (and the restless legs keep me from falling asleep the rest of the week), the leg cramps cause so much pain that sometimes I just sob while I try to will myself to relax and Jim rubs the muscles that won't, my bladder is never empty but I'm always thirsty (despite drinking at least 96 oz of water every day, plus a cup of coffee, maybe a soda, and perhaps some iced tea), and my back pain is such that by 6pm it's hard to sit up, let alone get comfortable. I just feel like I've been beaten up every day, and that's not a happy feeling.
I know our little girl is completely worth every second of pain and struggle, and I hate to sound ungrateful, because I am SO VERY GRATEFUL that we are getting another opportunity to have a beautiful little girl in our lives. But wow, does pregnancy suck or what!? I know that these next 43 days will fly by in some sense. I know that when our sweet girl is in my arms I won't care how much pain and struggling I went through to get her there. I know this, but I'm still ready for December 22 to get here so that I can have her instead of all of this.
The first time I was pregnant I swore I would never do it again. I hated being pregnant (I HATE being pregnant - present AND past tense)! But after we lost Angel the emotional pain and the devastation of losing her were much greater than the pain I went through while carrying her for 39 weeks. So we decided to try again. And we believe that it must have been our God's plan because it wasn't difficult to get pregnant again (2 weeks of trying the first time, 2 months of trying the second), and I've had another perfectly healthy pregnancy. But I'm ready to be done. I'm ready for our little girl to get here. I don't want to be pregnant; I want to parent. I want my scars and my stretch marks and the exhaustion and the soreness and everything else to be turned into pure love and happiness for the little girl in the bassinet beside the bed (or the crib in the nursery, or the pack-n-play in the living room, or the car seat in the back of the car, or in my arms or in Jim's arms) instead of having nothing to show for it besides a picture of the most beautiful baby girl in the world sitting behind an urn in the curio cabinet in our living room.
I'm ready. 43 days!
Last night was one of the worst I've had as far as restless legs are concerned. I laid down at about 9:30, read till around 10:15 and the last time I looked at the clock it was about 11:30. My legs were burning and aching and I did the only thing I know to do - move them to make them tired. I got up and stretched, paced around the living room (stumbled, actually, because the rest of me was so tired it was difficult to stay upright), laid back down and moved my legs till I fell asleep. Then, of course, I was up about every hour and a half to use the bathroom. And there were also consistent leg cramps that woke me up, but those I get while awake, as well. This morning getting out of bed took a lot of effort, and my legs were as sore as when I was training for races with my running group in Japan. I haven't run in at least 7 months. Apparently, my legs are getting a workout whether I like it or not.
43 days to go.
I don't remember pregnancy being this hard this early last time. I mean, sure, the nausea and heartburn plagued me from the start and continued until the day I delivered our Angel. But my belly already feels heavy, it's hard to put on my own shoes, the insomnia gets me about half of each week (and the restless legs keep me from falling asleep the rest of the week), the leg cramps cause so much pain that sometimes I just sob while I try to will myself to relax and Jim rubs the muscles that won't, my bladder is never empty but I'm always thirsty (despite drinking at least 96 oz of water every day, plus a cup of coffee, maybe a soda, and perhaps some iced tea), and my back pain is such that by 6pm it's hard to sit up, let alone get comfortable. I just feel like I've been beaten up every day, and that's not a happy feeling.
I know our little girl is completely worth every second of pain and struggle, and I hate to sound ungrateful, because I am SO VERY GRATEFUL that we are getting another opportunity to have a beautiful little girl in our lives. But wow, does pregnancy suck or what!? I know that these next 43 days will fly by in some sense. I know that when our sweet girl is in my arms I won't care how much pain and struggling I went through to get her there. I know this, but I'm still ready for December 22 to get here so that I can have her instead of all of this.
The first time I was pregnant I swore I would never do it again. I hated being pregnant (I HATE being pregnant - present AND past tense)! But after we lost Angel the emotional pain and the devastation of losing her were much greater than the pain I went through while carrying her for 39 weeks. So we decided to try again. And we believe that it must have been our God's plan because it wasn't difficult to get pregnant again (2 weeks of trying the first time, 2 months of trying the second), and I've had another perfectly healthy pregnancy. But I'm ready to be done. I'm ready for our little girl to get here. I don't want to be pregnant; I want to parent. I want my scars and my stretch marks and the exhaustion and the soreness and everything else to be turned into pure love and happiness for the little girl in the bassinet beside the bed (or the crib in the nursery, or the pack-n-play in the living room, or the car seat in the back of the car, or in my arms or in Jim's arms) instead of having nothing to show for it besides a picture of the most beautiful baby girl in the world sitting behind an urn in the curio cabinet in our living room.
I'm ready. 43 days!
lunes, 8 de noviembre de 2010
Nesting Guilt
I have really been struggling lately with the direction my nesting energy has been focused. I have been going, going, going but haven't seemed to get anything accomplished baby-wise. The nursery is painted, but other than that, that side of the house is a big mess, with stuff strewn about the nursery, guest room and hallway in between.
I have been cleaning the house from top to bottom each weekend, making sure all the dishes are done and cooking and baking like a madwoman. I did yard work last weekend. This weekend I picked up all of the dog poop in our backyard, which hadn't been done in a while, and helped Jim put together our new fire pit. I have focused my energy on the garage, the house, the yard... but not the nursery.
This makes me feel guilty because I WANT to get the nursery put together and decorated, but I'm terrified of the emotional repercussions of unpacking all of the stuff that I haven't seen since right after Angel's death. My little sister will be in town later this week and will be helping me unpack and will be the muscle for the heavy stuff. I think it will help to have her there. (Updated to note that Kendal will actually be here NEXT week, not this week. Apparently I can't read a calendar.) Jim wants to help, but isn't so good at the whole decorating thing, and doesn't have a lot of time on weekends, what with working 12-16 hour days on Saturdays and Sundays.
A lovely friend told me the other night that there's no reason to feel guilty because Eddy won't know if her room is ready when she arrives. She doesn't care that it's 6 weeks from her delivery date and her crib isn't put together. She doesn't know that her changing table isn't set up and her clothes aren't put away. And my friend is right. And Jim told me I shouldn't feel guilty because we have plenty of time. But it's still hard for me. I feel like I'm being super productive, just not in the way I ought to be.
I hope that when Kendal comes to town and we get started on everything that the push will get me and I will be able to finish it all, and that I won't break down emotionally (and that if I do it will be okay and not a constant each time I unwrap something) and that I will be able to get this weight off of my shoulders.
Well, on that note I'll leave you with a photo of the revealed super secret super special project in the nursery.
I painted one wall the lighter color of pink, made a stencil from tracing a wooden elephant, and painted the dark pink around each of the elephants. The wall across from this one is solid dark pink, and the other two are solid light pink. :)
I have been cleaning the house from top to bottom each weekend, making sure all the dishes are done and cooking and baking like a madwoman. I did yard work last weekend. This weekend I picked up all of the dog poop in our backyard, which hadn't been done in a while, and helped Jim put together our new fire pit. I have focused my energy on the garage, the house, the yard... but not the nursery.
This makes me feel guilty because I WANT to get the nursery put together and decorated, but I'm terrified of the emotional repercussions of unpacking all of the stuff that I haven't seen since right after Angel's death. My little sister will be in town later this week and will be helping me unpack and will be the muscle for the heavy stuff. I think it will help to have her there. (Updated to note that Kendal will actually be here NEXT week, not this week. Apparently I can't read a calendar.) Jim wants to help, but isn't so good at the whole decorating thing, and doesn't have a lot of time on weekends, what with working 12-16 hour days on Saturdays and Sundays.
A lovely friend told me the other night that there's no reason to feel guilty because Eddy won't know if her room is ready when she arrives. She doesn't care that it's 6 weeks from her delivery date and her crib isn't put together. She doesn't know that her changing table isn't set up and her clothes aren't put away. And my friend is right. And Jim told me I shouldn't feel guilty because we have plenty of time. But it's still hard for me. I feel like I'm being super productive, just not in the way I ought to be.
I hope that when Kendal comes to town and we get started on everything that the push will get me and I will be able to finish it all, and that I won't break down emotionally (and that if I do it will be okay and not a constant each time I unwrap something) and that I will be able to get this weight off of my shoulders.
Well, on that note I'll leave you with a photo of the revealed super secret super special project in the nursery.
I painted one wall the lighter color of pink, made a stencil from tracing a wooden elephant, and painted the dark pink around each of the elephants. The wall across from this one is solid dark pink, and the other two are solid light pink. :)
Bookworm Baby Shower
I forgot to blog about my wonderful bookworm baby shower that my sister, mom and a few friends threw for me a few weeks ago. Since we pretty much have all we need from the first time I was pregnant, my sister decided to throw a book baby shower. I listed for her all of the books we already had for the baby, and she sent a library-themed invitation out. Everyone brought great children's books and Tana decorated her house with books galore. It was a lovely time.
Here's a shot of me with my hostesses. (from left: Vera, Tana, Amy and Marcy)
I bought a bookshelf yesterday, and am so excited about getting all of the books settled in Eddy's room! :)
Here's a shot of me with my hostesses. (from left: Vera, Tana, Amy and Marcy)
I bought a bookshelf yesterday, and am so excited about getting all of the books settled in Eddy's room! :)
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